March 2012

Written in W.T.S.P Henning, TN in March 2012

An approved visitation application must be on file before I can receive visitors.  They can be submitted ahead of time.  You should be able to find the application online.  The phones here are Global Tel Link.  Not sure where I’ll end up.

I’m doing fine.  Seeing doctors & counselors and just hanging in there.  It’s not terrible yet.  I love you all.

I won’t have writing materials or very many phone opportunities for about a month.  I’ll write when I can, but that will be limited.

The only thing we can know for certain, we learned at an early age.  Jesus loves me!  That’s it.  Everything else is suspect.  Everything else is icing on the cake.  But ONE thing we know, Jesus loves us.

It is extremely difficult not to think about the future.  I find myself constantly worried about what I will face or how I’ll earn a living.  I need to not consume my thoughts with that stuff.  I gotta get thru today.

The slowness of the classification process is painful.  I want to get to my destination.  I want something to do!

People are sent to prison as punishment.  People aren’t sent here to be punished.  But it is easy to tell the difference between the ones that get it and the ones that don’t.  I can already see how easy it would be to fall into the trap of the prison mind-set.  Never getting out or always coming back.  So many career criminals are in here.  All are different, but many the same.  Somewhere, somehow, someone failed them.  And they never got over it.

I woke up last night crying tears of joy because I dreamed Molly & I reunited.  The joy went away once I realized it was a dream.  I really am a mess without her.  I know she’s having a tough time too, but she has her freedom.  I have nothing (except a great group of friends, a loving family, & a forgiving God).

My heart breaks at the thought that I never had kids.  It’s probably better now, but I always thought one day I would. The thought of my brothers’ kids growing up without their Dub, I think about it often.  I wish there was something I could do to make it easier on my family.

Job went thru a lot more that me.  I can’t imagine.

We had a very good church group last night.  John 9.  Blind man was given sight.  “Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord” immediately came to mind.  I’m in a good place mentally right now.  But I still struggle inside.

I always thought of myself as the glue.  The Cole brothers!  Anytime I ever talked to one, I had the news.  They were all my best friends.  I don’t think they are as close to each other as they should be.  And with me being in here, I feel that will worsen.  I pray that their hearts will soften & their time will free.  That they will rebuild relationships that they should have; that I will miss.

Well, I don’t have TB or HIV.  My teeth are good.  I’m getting the entire rundown, but so far, so good.  We had to take a test. Reading, Mathematics, Logical Math, and Vocabulary.  I got 4 wrong out of 100, which made my score 97 point something (not sure how they do that).  It was definitely a shock to them that someone scored so high.  It was a shock to me because I didn’t think I missed any. LOL

There is a culinary school that I could become a real chef in.  Also, University of Tennessee provides a free college education.  And if I didn’t finish before my release, I could continue for nest to nothing.  I think I’ll be able to take as many courses at a time that I think I can handle, so we’ll see.

I do know that they no longer take our wishes into account.  They also do not take visitor distance to travel into account.  So, nothing is in our control, but we shall survive. 

The phones here are first come first served.  If you’re in a gang, your buddy will get it next no matter who has waited in line, so I haven’t been fighting that battle.  The food is tolerable.  The staff is less than enthusiastic.

I should have a psych evaluation this week and wrap up the medical, and then just wait.