Monday, April 16, 2012

April 2012


Just got classified to minimum security.  Very thankful for that.  Also thankful to know the Bakers from Ripley.  I always knew Bobby and JB were famous around here.  Love you all.

Today’s tune is the song about David and Goliath by Take 6.  It’s a good one.

I don’t know when Porter & I slept.  As kids during the week of MDCM, we were always up late, talking & planning.  We got up with the sun to catch catfish & brim.  And then we played all afternoon.  Did we sleep during the church services? I don’t see us getting away with that.

Psalms 20.  That’s where my heart is today.

People of the free world, don’t ever take peace & quiet, or sleep for granted.  Not ever!

At some point everyone should take some time & look on YouTube for the Jimmy V speech.  It won’t be hard to find, but it will be hard to beat.

I remember being at Darrell & Pam’s a few Christmases ago.  A few of us teared up after taking a bite of pecan pie.  It was very good.  But, it wasn’t warm and it wasn’t Granny’s and it never will be.  It’s a good memory though.

Today, I just have sadness.  A sick-to-my-stomach feeling like I could cry at any moment.  Oh how I do NOT wish to be in this place.  I think of home, of family & friends.  My heart just aches.  This is not a place to show sadness.  To show tears.  I have always been a sensitive soul.  Even during Bible studies sometime.  I have to hold back tears as to not show weakness.  Can I pray for God to harden my heart? That would change my whole being.  Lord, give me strength.

The Winter of Our Discontent was a very good read.  Never read Steinbeck before.  Looking forward to more. 

If you want to do something difficult, sit down and try to write all 50 states in alphabetical order.  I got 42.  It took me about 3 weeks to get all 50.  It’s not that easy.  At least it wasn’t for me.

The look on Brittany’s face when she found out that the delicious fried chicken Aunt Loretta had prepared for dinner was actually rabbit……still hilarious.  And I still love fried rabbit!

I wish I was going with Momma to Texas on her spring break.  It would be a fun trip.

It’s time to be on the golf course.  On a day like today, we would have left bright and early to go to the Tennessean.  Buddy, Rivera, Jimbo, or ? &…..  I would have beaten them all!!

The mind is a strange thing.  It’s funny how many thoughts can be re-lived in just a matter of seconds.  Memories. Solutions. Dreams.  Fears.  All in a fraction of time.  Especially if you aren’t close to a pen & paper.

I laid in bed last night wondering what the star configuration is on the American flag.  I suppose it is 5 rows of 6 and 4 rows of 5.  With 7 red stripes & 6 white. I could be wrong.  But that’s what I do.  Also, it is exactly 22 laps for a mile if you walk 2’ away from the wall of the upper deck. EXACTLY 22 LAPS!!! Bored!!!!!

Lot’s wife looked back & turned into a pillar of salt.  I think it’s important to not look too far into the future, but keep your eyes AHEAD. You have to look ahead.

Spin Doctors “Refrigerator Car” is the song I need today.  It gets the blood pumping.

It was good to see Momma & Daddy today.  Just to chat.  No tears.  Almost normal. I wish I could see them every time I needed to or wanted to.  Wish I could see everyone.

The first time Cameron was pregnant, she was HUGE!! And felt bad about it.  So I went by for a visit.  I walked in & immediately started snapping pictures.  She was furious.  So funny!!!

Wonder what God would think if I prayed for a time machine.

I know these are random spacey thoughts.  I’ve been praying that they be for a purpose.  Maybe just so Momma will know what’s on my mind, but maybe something more.  Feel free to take them & run.

Not getting to watch the NCAA tournament is a punishment I didn’t see coming.

Have you ever Googled ‘silo home’ or ‘underground home’?  They’re pretty neat.  There’s one underground house that the center is like a greenhouse.  Wonder how cheap a silo home would be?

**Correction to a previous post**  “Cannonball” Counting Crows – the album you need is Across a Live Wire to get the guitar intro.  Beneroyal Hall is Pearl Jam.

I’ve just finished reading Job.  It reminded me of something someone told me a while back.  If you ever think “Why Me?”  Ask yourself “Then Who?”  If you’re going thru a difficult time, a trying time, who of your friends & family would you have take your place?  Which loved one would you rather it be?  I’m glad none of my brothers are in prison.  I’m glad my friends are at home.

Nathan is 11 today.  Sure am gonna miss seeing him grow up.  I hope he follows the right path & stays out of the traps of the world. 

I should be dead.  Several times over.  But I am alive.  I am searching for the reason.  I have accepted the fact that there is a reason.  I’m just anxious to find it.

All my life, part of me, for no reason, always thought I was a little better than most.  I was a sorta snob.  But at the same time, I felt I never was good enough.  Now that is confusing.

The fall of ’94 I lived with my grandparents so I could start to school & play basketball.  It seemed like the work never ended.  Cutting wood…. bailing hay…. constant labor….  on top of basketball practice & homework.  But looking back on it, it didn’t hurt me a bit.  As a matter of fact, I wish I had spent more time there.

I am one of 31 first cousins.  That includes both sides of the family.  On both my father’s side (13 kids) & my mother’s side (6 kids) all of them have given me first cousins except for the oldest (Ted & Franky) and the youngest (Ronda and David).  Pretty neat!  I have A LOT  of second cousins.  Not sure how many.

Today’s inspiration comes from Michael Buble`.  The live album from Madison Square Garden features a song with Natural 7 called “Stardust”.  Good stuff.  Very chill.

I like getting mail.

Finally had burgers for lunch today.  Fries too.  It wasn’t Bells or Sonic, but much better than what we’ve been having lately.  Where’s the milkshake though?

Music.  I don’t know what it is about it exactly that draws me.  Moves me.  Many times I have tried to explain its meaning, or affects on me.  It always falls on deaf ears it seems.  I remember trying to get Sara Johnson to realize how perfect Stevie Ray Vaughn’s “Little Wing” was.  I remember explaining to Traci Daniel why James Taylor was timeless.  I remember trying to get Roy & Mark to see how Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds’s acoustic version of “Sister” could be easily changed to “Brother” & sometimes bring a tear to my eye.  Many many times I’ve tried to get people to have my love for music.  Sometimes it’s a lyric that catches my attention like James Taylor’s “Secret O’ Life”.  Often it’s a certain sound or rhythm or harmony in a song like Vince Gill’s “No Future In the Past”.  Very often it’s just the feel.  Just the feeling it creates in me.  This is usually captured in a certain version (usually live, acoustic/unplugged). For instance, Pearl Jam’s “Crazy Mary” from the live at Beneroyal Hall album or Eric Clapton’s “Runnin on Faith” on his Unplugged record.  I put songs on here, well because they constantly are on my mind.  I hope you have a chance to hear some of them if you haven’t already.  I can gladly give you the Wes Cole music experience, hopefully in 6-8 years.  In the meantime, don’t allow music to just be background noise.  Let it in. Let it move you.  Crank it up!

Nicotine. Alcohol. Opiates.  Today I want you all.  Get out of my thoughts!

During a family trip to visit the Georgia Cole’s someone had the bright idea that we should go ice-skating.  Let me start by saying, “I CAN’T SKATE!”  Never figured it out.  I always felt I should be allowed to take my skateboard to the roller rink.  Anyways….
I believe, not surprisingly, I was skating quite wobbly beside Corrie when these 2 or 3 cute girls skated toward us.  I saw them coming & knew I needed to look cooler and much less shaky.  Turning my cap around backwards, I lost my balance and landed flat on my back right as they came by.  My hat scurried away on the ice.  I crawled after it on hands & knees with audible groans known by all who have had the wind knocked violently from the lungs.  I continued crawling until I was safely on the carpet.  That is my ice skating story.

When Daryl McCaskill is in the bed, the games are over.  And you better believe the rule will be enforced.

Allergies – allergy meds = Not cool.

Looking forward to a visit tomorrow.  Hopefully get a hug or two.

I think door banging and incoherent rapping is going to haunt me more than pointless, constant whistling. 


I once set up two friends on a blind date.  We went to Monday Nitro wrestling.  Looking back, that was pretty funny/redneck.

I want Momma’s French toast, with some thick slab bacon, cold milk, and black coffee.  Can’t wait.

I figure the best way to pass the time is to think about food.  JK.  But some of my bar-b-Que with some of my beans and some of my sauce sure would be good.

My greens recipe:  2 bunches each of mustard, turnip, and collard greens.  1 small ham hock, 1 box of chicken broth, 6 garlic cloves, water 6 strips of bacon or jowl.  Empty chicken stock into a big pot.  Refill the box with water and add to pot with garlic and ham hock.  Medium high heat to a slow boil.  Clean greens and remove any large veins (especially in the collards) and tear or chop into finger size pieces.  Add to the water/stock a little at a time stirring so they wilt down.  Cook for 1-3 hours on low heat.  Half-way through cooking add the bacon or jowl.  Serve with pepper vinegar.  Lastly, slap somebody.  They’re that good!

I may throw a random recipe in here every so often.  I always loved to cook.  And I took pride in people trying my food.  I think I went to the Paula/Sandra  school.  Meaning, maybe not the healthiest & maybe not 100% homemade, but surely edible & pleasant.  And if you don’t eat bad all the time, taking some time to prepare something “good” won’t kill you as long as you enjoy it.
This one time it seemed as if I had shown the entire state of Texas what BBQ was supposed to be.  And I wasn’t lying.

Monday, April 9, 2012

March 2012


Written in W.T.S.P Henning, TN in March 2012


An approved visitation application must be on file before I can receive visitors.  They can be submitted ahead of time.  You should be able to find the application online.  The phones here are Global Tel Link.  Not sure where I’ll end up.

I’m doing fine.  Seeing doctors & counselors and just hanging in there.  It’s not terrible yet.  I love you all.

I won’t have writing materials or very many phone opportunities for about a month.  I’ll write when I can, but that will be limited.

The only thing we can know for certain, we learned at an early age.  Jesus loves me!  That’s it.  Everything else is suspect.  Everything else is icing on the cake.  But ONE thing we know, Jesus loves us.

It is extremely difficult not to think about the future.  I find myself constantly worried about what I will face or how I’ll earn a living.  I need to not consume my thoughts with that stuff.  I gotta get thru today.

The slowness of the classification process is painful.  I want to get to my destination.  I want something to do!

People are sent to prison as punishment.  People aren’t sent here to be punished.  But it is easy to tell the difference between the ones that get it and the ones that don’t.  I can already see how easy it would be to fall into the trap of the prison mind-set.  Never getting out or always coming back.  So many career criminals are in here.  All are different, but many the same.  Somewhere, somehow, someone failed them.  And they never got over it.

I woke up last night crying tears of joy because I dreamed Molly & I reunited.  The joy went away once I realized it was a dream.  I really am a mess without her.  I know she’s having a tough time too, but she has her freedom.  I have nothing (except a great group of friends, a loving family, & a forgiving God).

My heart breaks at the thought that I never had kids.  It’s probably better now, but I always thought one day I would. The thought of my brothers’ kids growing up without their Dub, I think about it often.  I wish there was something I could do to make it easier on my family.

Job went thru a lot more that me.  I can’t imagine.

We had a very good church group last night.  John 9.  Blind man was given sight.  “Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord” immediately came to mind.  I’m in a good place mentally right now.  But I still struggle inside.

I always thought of myself as the glue.  The Cole brothers!  Anytime I ever talked to one, I had the news.  They were all my best friends.  I don’t think they are as close to each other as they should be.  And with me being in here, I feel that will worsen.  I pray that their hearts will soften & their time will free.  That they will rebuild relationships that they should have; that I will miss.

Well, I don’t have TB or HIV.  My teeth are good.  I’m getting the entire rundown, but so far, so good.  We had to take a test. Reading, Mathematics, Logical Math, and Vocabulary.  I got 4 wrong out of 100, which made my score 97 point something (not sure how they do that).  It was definitely a shock to them that someone scored so high.  It was a shock to me because I didn’t think I missed any. LOL

There is a culinary school that I could become a real chef in.  Also, University of Tennessee provides a free college education.  And if I didn’t finish before my release, I could continue for nest to nothing.  I think I’ll be able to take as many courses at a time that I think I can handle, so we’ll see.

I do know that they no longer take our wishes into account.  They also do not take visitor distance to travel into account.  So, nothing is in our control, but we shall survive. 

The phones here are first come first served.  If you’re in a gang, your buddy will get it next no matter who has waited in line, so I haven’t been fighting that battle.  The food is tolerable.  The staff is less than enthusiastic.

I should have a psych evaluation this week and wrap up the medical, and then just wait.

February 2012


Written from Chester County during February 2012


In Granny’s kitchen, in Melanie’s lap, unlimited hugs and kisses…………. That’s some of what I miss.

I hope that all dogs do go to heaven. Sissy, Peanut, Lady, Shay, Molly & Rebel, Lucy.  I can’t wait to see you all at once.

This is not how my life was supposed to go.  I’m caught between, “God has a plan for everything” and “What the hell just happened?”

I can’t keep writing these if they’re gonna make me cry.

Remember how I made you laugh that time?

I spent a lot of my life dreaming about what I wanted or what I wish I had.  Now I just want my old life back.

I would give a million dollars to be able to spend one more night on the air mattress with Molly.

Todd Whatley & the Frontmen song “Grandfathers.” Pretty much the whole “Heaven & Earth” Horatio album.  I wish I could talk to Todd today.

How did I ever make it 34 years without reading?  Amazing? or Amazingly bored?  Whatever makes the time pass by.

The love and support from my parents is unbelievable.  I am fortunate.

Cameron & Huck.  They will always be my friends.  And I am forever grateful and thankful for their love.

Tomorrow would be a perfect day for me to teach Seabass how to play golf.   Surely he can’t be worse at that than he is at the track.

Psalms 3 was just the medicine I needed.

I remember all the laughter at Christmas when Darrell and AJ would pick at Grandaddy.  The laughing mask, the giant overalls…………….  Those made me want to be funny.

The words beer and moonshine can be replaced with Coke and tea and the song “Real Things” by Joe Nicholls would be just about perfect, wouldn’t it?

Once I purposely didn’t pray for 2 years.  I wouldn’t even close my eyes when other people prayed.

It’s amazing what one can eat if they’re hungry enough.

One Thanksgiving Daddy rode with me to Wetumpka.  We listened to Jerry Clower the whole way and laughed like we had never heard his tales before.  That was a great trip.

Another time I was in Wetumpka and “I” made a smoked salsa.  Who could forget that?  And by “I” I mean with UD’s help!

I was already an alcoholic (functioning), but I became a drug addict the summer of 2001.  Unfortunately, I hid it pretty well for 10 years.

Forgive us our trespasses………. deliver us from evil.  Thank you Jesus!

For a long time I was unaware, but I was always ashamed at the lack of thank you notes sent out after my first wedding.  I’m truly sorry.

Today I got to talk to Daryl and Tony.  It was good to touch base with some good friends.  I hope to stay in touch as much as possible.

Corrie and Rob, the next time someone wonders where they recognize me from, I think I’ll say,  “Well,  I did play lead guitar in a “California Girls” cover video back in the day…. It would be awkward & funny, I think.

I’ve thought about suicide over 1,000 times.  I’ve contemplated it over 100.  15 times I have seriously attempted & failed it.

The perfect marinade for any meat is as follows:  1 part whiskey, 2 parts Dale’s, 3 parts Cole.  Marinate for 1-8 hrs. Remove & add black pepper & put meat on the grill.  Trust me, I’m a professional.  And no, Momma, it won’t get you drunk.

I can’t say I’ve done a lot of things, but I have been part of an oven-mitt high-five.  And it was just awesome.

If a male walks into a bathroom because he is sick, and there’s a female that he barely just met in the frosted glass shower, as long as he says, “It’s okay, it’s just me” it’s okay right?  Didn’t think so.

Last night we had a prayer circle & I was moved to tears.  Everyone in here is going thru a struggle.  Their families are hurting as well.  God can be there when nobody else can be.  You gotta let him in.

I think I have always measured success in the wrong way.  I have to work on that.

If you ever get mad at God, guess which one of you will have to give in and apologize?

If I could send you a song from me to you, James Taylor’s “Close Your Eyes” from the One Man Band album.

The worst sunburn I ever got, Corrie & I thought we needed a long nap by the pool.  Woke up after an hour or two, turned over and thought we needed another nap. FRIED!!!!! Couldn’t sleep for a week we were in so much pain.  Ended up with a good tan though.

One time, I did the certain thing with some items & some stuff.  That was funny.

I let addiction ruin my life.  I want to overcome the obstacles that lie ahead, and I know it will be a difficult road.  And I have to find a safe way to cope.

Got some conflicting info today about where I should try to go & how best to get thru my time.  I pray that God will give me the ability to make the right decision.  I’m reminded of the Serenity Prayer.

Right before we were to go outside for rec, the Lord decided we needed a thunderstorm instead.  Kinda bummed.

8 years from now I picture me, my dad & my brothers fishing on the White River.  I think it can happen.

I heard a story about a man who did 10 years in prison.  Everyday he was in there, he played golf in his head.   He would visualize every stroke, and he would concentrate on his mechanics, and he would imagine greatness.  When he got out, he shot a 78.  He had never broken 90 before prison.  How powerful is the mind?

48.66 laps around the pod is 1 mile. 147.66 trips up and down the stairs is 1 mile.  Isn’t math fun?

The guitar intros to “Soul to Squeeze” by Chili Peppers & “Cannonball” by Counting Crows (on the Live @ Beneroyal Hall), yeah, those are awesome. 

It doesn’t take a very long time doing without to realize how much is taken for granted.  I think I would sell a kidney for a cup of ice right about now.

I guess I never thought about it, but did you know how long the legal process takes?  No matter what the charge is, it can take a year or more from the time the arrest is made before the actual trial takes place.  And if you can’t afford to bail out you spend that entire time locked up.  If you win your trial, you’ve still lost a year of your life.  All while your family is at home suffering and struggling.  How is that right? Not to mention the fact that as far as the newspapers & TV is concerned, you’re guilty just for being arrested.

8 years = 417 weeks & 3 days or 2,922 days.

The speaker preaching today said that a lot of people have been affected by our actions.  Now it’s time to show them some good.  Be the disciples we were called to be.

In Dave Dravecky’s second book, in reference to learning his cancer returned, he talks about the importance of asking the right questions.  Rather than “Why,?  Ask “What good can come out of this so that others may benefit?”

I have never planted a garden.  And I don’t think that is something to be proud of.   I have actually been thinking a lot about having a garden one day.  Maybe some chickens & rabbits too.

“Rescue” by Acapella has been running thru my head all day.  Where all did we go singing?

I have very few friends that don’t know about “the shot.”


Singing at Granny Haggard’s funeral after seeing Pops cry was very difficult.  And we were tucked in a room where nobody could even see us.  Singing at Granny Jones’ funeral almost seemed easy and we were at a pulpit.  That is strange that I’ve never thought of that before.

I remember my weekend trips to GA once Corrie & I got grown.  We really had some good times.